Alien retrospective part 3:
Hello again, this is it people, the beginning of the end as advertised.
Alien 3 makes me sad, hell the rest of the series makes me sad but I’ll get to that eventually. When it comes to alien 3 one thing comes to mind, one simple question: Why? And well, because they needed to make money, Alien 3 is… weird, I am surprised with the hard time I am having to describe this movie.
We begin with the escape ship from aliens crashing, because… because, we see a face hugger on board of the ship and this guy might as well have Pepsi tattooed on his back because there is absolutely no way that the alien queen managed to lay an egg on the ship. One, she didn’t get inside the ship or anywhere near the ship where she could have laid it, remember, she held on to the wheels. Second her womb or whatever got destroyed by Ripley, she had to pull the thing of her… This face hugger makes no fucking sense, so somehow this face hugger brings the ship down, only Ripley survives because… so moving on, she crash-lands in a prison planet, a male only prison which doesn’t have a lot of supplies and it’s mostly religious, though thank god they didn’t overdo the religious thing, she gets picked up by the friend doctor which she takes about 3 hours before she has sex with him, seriously she mourns the dead and goes straight to having sex with this guy…
She and the doctor make an autopsy of Newt because she saw acid holes in the side of her sleeping pod… which begs the question of how did the chestburster do that, did it cut itself? Seriously what the hell I’m only a few minutes into this movie and I have more questions than this movie’s body count.
It seems that Newt is not infected and that the face hugger has infected an ox, or a dog… you see, in the theatrical version they had a dog because it was easier to train but since they first brought the ox in, it’s an ox, you can’t really train an ox so they scraped that scene, made it again with a dog and released the ox one in the special edition, so we get a special ox/dog alien which is slightly different than the others, both in appearance and in the way it moves.
This brings me to the effects, oh my god the effects… this is the third movie of the series, the practical effects look amazing, but then they had to do it, they just had to freaking do it: hello CGI, we meet again… its vomit inducing to say the least, I know it’s an old movie but if the practical effects are so good why would they do this with still very new technology, I don’t get it, I really don’t get it, this movie is my entire argument for CGI vs. practical effects, I would easily take the first movies effects over this CGI, but moving on. The rest of movie is fairly boring until the end, the first death that happens is hilariously bad, I mean Jesus Christ, the rest are just alien deaths and stuff, nothing else happens. “Oh shit there’s alien!” “Oh shit we have to kill it!” “Oh shit people die!” some characters are good but its mostly not very entertaining.
The plot picks back up when we find an alien queen inside Ripley… I can’t even begin to count the damn plotholes here people… first, the face hugger survived, it can’t have laid two eggs, if there were two they would have been found when they searched the ship, how did the alien queen just stay in there just chilling. What? Because she’s a queen she takes longer to bake? I mean, does all the plot protection energy in Ripley just make it harder for the queen to jump out of her chest? I got to stop this or I’ll be here forever.
They trap the alien and drop some hot lead onto it, and it somehow survives… and moves… Oh god, then they open the sprinklers… and it explodes… I need a break from this movie it’s really too much and this isn’t even the worst of the series. After that Ripley finds that the only way to overcome her plot protection immortality is by suicide. She kills herself and the alien queen inside her and everyone is happy, and dead.
Thank god it’s over, I can rage against this movie all I want but the truth is that this was as much of a mess to watch as it was to make: people jumped in and out of the project, ideas got thrown around and you could basically make two alien 3 out of the footage they got of different ideas… Jesus Christ what a goddamn mess.
You know that the actor that played Hicks, Michael Biehn was really pissed off that they cut him out of the movie and while I think the deaths of those 3 characters were just as stupid and nonsensical as most fans think, he really shouldn’t be that upset…
There are things much worse than death…
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